Genealogy, Technology And A Whole Lot More: Live In The Present

Reposting from October 13, 2018.

Do you remember hearing the old adage: the only constant thing in life is change?

Here’s the reality: ALL of life is about change.

My life changed when I was sexually assaulted by a drunk neighbor at the age of six.

My life changed when I saw one of our dogs get run over by a car and killed.

My life changed when, as a high school freshman, I wanted to end my life, but instead went looking for God to find out if there was more to life than what I had known.

Thankfully, I did not cut my wrists that night, but went looking at religions different from the Baptist upbringing I had experienced up to that point.

I attended a mass at a Catholic Church and partook of the Sacrament. I attended a Lutheran Church service and did research on the beliefs of several other religions. I attended a non-denomination church and witnessed people speaking in tongues while under a spiritual influence. The closest to my heart were the Messianic Jews (Jewish people who believe Jesus is the Messiah while continuing in many of the Jewish traditions and following the Law of Moses).

Then I decided to go to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for Easter Sunday. After a full 3 hour block of meetings the family living across the street from my parents took me to the Visitor’s Center for the Mesa Arizona Temple. I received my first copy of The Book of Mormon to read and I read through it, along with the Doctrine and Covenants.

The interesting part? It was on Section 132 (regarding eternal marriage) that I felt the Holy Ghost upon me for the first time.

My family did not approve and was against my joining the Church, in fact Mom joined a local anti-Mormon group and the battles began.

I loved my parents, I respected my parents, however my mind and will were made up and I chose to honor my Father In Heaven over my earthly father. In fact, doing the former ended up allowing me to accomplish the latter. Both were honored, as well as my Mother.

I was baptized on December 22, 1984. My family chose not to attend.

I still lived at home, working jobs while paying my way through community college and university. Attending Wards, wondering when that special man was going to come into my life. The first serious relationship did happen when I was about 26 years old, only to have some other abusive incidents happen with my family at home. The memories of being sexually assaulted, long buried, came back with a vengeance.

I went to my Bishop crying. I had done nothing wrong, but I honestly had no idea of how I was going to handle a marriage if I couldn’t stand to have a man touch me. This Bishop, who is married to a counselor, knew what was going on and what needed to happen. I found a roommate, together we found an apartment and the men in the Ward assisted in moving my stuff out of the house. While there was an emotional distrance between my Father and I, my Mother understood and knew I needed some distance and healing from decades of abuse.

My Bishop also had me go into counseling. After 3-4 months, I was better equipped to handle my thoughts and emotions to be able to handle intimacy in a marriage.

With that, I started a new life where I was able to say my prayers without having to hide my religion from my parents. It was at that point that I prayed and received the answer that it was time for me to received my endowments in the Temple. In the Mesa Arizona Temple.

A few years later, though, I had to move back home. My Mother had collapsed at home and thankfully I was able to quickly run over to their home to take her to the hospital. We had throught it was a bad flu, it turned out it was a mini stroke. Thankfully, because of the quick response and actions in getting her to the hospital, she didn’t suffer debilitating effects, but rather she was forced to retire from her stressful job and take blood pressure medication for the remainder of her life.

So, with Dad asking for me to help, we made amends with our relationship and when the lease was up for the apartment, I moved back home. I was home for roughly two years when I met and married Decker, moving out again for the last time. This was under joyous circumstances, a home of our own and for the first time having a Priesthood holder under the same roof.

Unfortunately it didn’t last. Two years, two months, two days into our marriage, my Decker unexpectedly died from a pulmonary embolism on August 14, 2000.

I was in a fog for a long time, then went into overdrive with Family History callings (I ended up with seven callings at the same time) while taking a course a semester at the community college to learn computers. I had already graduated with an AA degree in Business Administration and later a Bachelor of Science Degree in Business Management. Decker had said I was a linear thinker and would be great at computers, so I decided to give it a try. He was right.

All of this while assisting Decker’s niece with her educational and mission goals as best as I could, and trying to be strong for her during her grieving period. She left to serve her mission in Argentina around early 2003 and I found myself alone. Really alone. But not quite.

You see, my Dad, who was a smoker and beer drinker, was diagnosed with cancer of the tongue in December of 2000. This meant I needed to be there for Mom emotionally while helping Dad physically while he went through surgery and radiation treatments. In 2005 he was diagnosed with lung cancer and he passed away on December 13, 2006. I was there with Mom at the hospice when this happened. I had a moment of grieving before I had to stop my own grieving to help my Mother. After being widowed for six years, it was my turn now to teach my Mother about widowhood, while also being informed by others that I was now my Mother’s sole caregiver.

I did my best with that, and getting out of debt in the process to take care of her, until Mom passed away July 13, 2017. I was the only child there with her when she passed.

After the first four months with my sister living with me while we got the estate settled and Mom’s house sold, my Sister moved to her new home and I was alone. This time for good. No one else to look after (except the cats).

The reason for this long post is to hopefully provide some help for those who have suffered any kind of shock that leads anyone to contemplate suicide. I was suicidal as a teenager, and suicidal right after Decker died. Thankfully there were others, including some angels on the other side of the veil, keeping me from committing suicide.

Each of the major changes in my life came with some after effects of questions such as “what to I do with my life after this?”.

What I’ve learned is that with each major juncture in my life, I’ve had to realize that my previous life is now gone. It’s not going to come back, but with that comes the promise of a new life. A life that I, with Heavently Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, must create. Trust me, it works better when you include the other three. There are lessons to be learned from each of the previous lives I’ve lived and there will be more with this new life I am living now.

For me, depression and suicidal thoughts have put me in a dark tunnel with no end in sight and no light. You cannot see any light at the end of that tunnel. Keep in mind, however, that the tunnel is a lie. Blow up the walls of the tunnel and step out into the light. You will find yourself on a path that forks out in at least two directions. You must seek personal revelation in order for the guidepost to lead you into the way that will take you to where your Heavenly Father want you to be. Is it scary? Yes. Will there be moments of failure? Yes. Just keep praying and keep living. You will get there someday.