I just returned from getting my annual mammograms done.
Thankfully the test results are normal. Yay!
On June 12th, the same day as my wedding anniversary, I went to the gynecologist office for the first part of my annual checkup: the ultra sounds.
More cysts were found, including one that is 7cm (golf ball sized). This meant the 2nd part of the checkup was cancelled and instead I met with my doctor to discuss my options.
This was a shock on a day that I didn’t need more shocks. I drove around for 2 hours after work and went home and cried. I’m having to say goodbye to a part of my womanhood. That part that reminded me of the time Decker and I were trying to have children. Along with all of the other losses, now I have to face this one. Alone.
I will be having a full hysterectomy. The good news is, because of all the money I’ve spent so far In therapy, I’ve now met the deductible on my health insurance, so this isn’t going to bankrupt me like it did last year.
In fact, I’m still paying off last year and am looking forward to getting out of debt in July.
But this alone bit has left me emotionally scarred and just plain ticked off. I’m mad that this is happening when I don’t have my husband I or parents there for support. Not even a hug.
Well, this will be a part of that new life I’ve been trying to build for the life that died when Mom died. Or the life that died when Dad died. Or the life that died when Decker died.
There’s a part of me that wonders what’s next? What else is God going to have me lose?
Just venting (and crying some more).
I still pray, but it does feel distant anymore.
I’ll be okay. We’ll get through this surgery and I’ll go on smiling and telling everyone I’m good when I’m really not. But it’s less messy that way.
My plan is for me to go on a different fast from social media - Influences that are a waste of my time.
The drama channels? Unsubscribed. None of that drama, while it gets addicting to watch, has nothing to do with me. Plus, apparently some of these people don’t like members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. One fo the videos asked if anyone had read a book that they could not put down. I mentioned The Peacegiver by James Ferrell. Fantastic book that I need to listen to again and again, but it “outed” me as a “Mormon”. Now no ones likes or replies to my comments. I’ve become persona non grata. Goodbye Sisters.
Horror Movie Reviews - I was never into horror movies as a kid, while I enjoyed some family friendly stuff (The Ghost & Mr. Chicken), the other stuff gave me nightmares. I still don’t do the slasher films, but some of the more haunting movies have peaked my curiosity, so I watch the reviews of these movies to see which ones I might tolerate. The problem is this: last year I noticed that I had gone numb emotionally and I started watching stuff that I normally would never watch. Namely stuff on death and horror. I need to fill my mind with things that are going to be uplifting, not scary. I’ve unsubscribed from these channels. I’ve witnessed and experienced enough real horror in my life.
I will be continuing to work on paying off the medical debt that is on my one and only credit card. I’m almost there, however there has been a snag in the road, namely that I will be having another laparoscopic surgery again. I meet with the doctor/surgeon to find out what he wants to do.
