Thankfully the test results are normal. Yay!
On June 12th, the same day as my wedding anniversary, I went to the gynecologist office for the first part of my annual checkup: the ultra sounds.
More cysts were found, including one that is 7cm (golf ball sized). This meant the 2nd part of the checkup was cancelled and instead I met with my doctor to discuss my options.
This was a shock on a day that I didn’t need more shocks. I drove around for 2 hours after work and went home and cried. I’m having to say goodbye to a part of my womanhood. That part that reminded me of the time Decker and I were trying to have children. Along with all of the other losses, now I have to face this one. Alone.
I will be having a full hysterectomy. The good news is, because of all the money I’ve spent so far In therapy, I’ve now met the deductible on my health insurance, so this isn’t going to bankrupt me like it did last year.
In fact, I’m still paying off last year and am looking forward to getting out of debt in July.
But this alone bit has left me emotionally scarred and just plain ticked off. I’m mad that this is happening when I don’t have my husband I or parents there for support. Not even a hug.
Well, this will be a part of that new life I’ve been trying to build for the life that died when Mom died. Or the life that died when Dad died. Or the life that died when Decker died.
There’s a part of me that wonders what’s next? What else is God going to have me lose?
Just venting (and crying some more).
I still pray, but it does feel distant anymore.
I’ll be okay. We’ll get through this surgery and I’ll go on smiling and telling everyone I’m good when I’m really not. But it’s less messy that way.
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